One of the most difficult days I have ever had was when I had to choose music for my Beloved husbands funeral. I had so much to consider but it was at a time I couldn’t even think how to do basic things like brush my hair. Andy was in no way religious and he would have hated to have hymns sung for him. It simply had to be for him and not for anyone else. He had such a love of music though.
However it was all mainly heavy metal and every song on our playlist made me weep remembering nights in the hot tub with bottles of wine and music playing , me popping a Lewis Capaldi or Kate Bush in now and again that would make him groan in pain. Nights in our caravan when he had his headphones on while I read, separate pastimes but so very content to be together. Suddenly being startled when a chorus must have hit and he burst into song oblivious to how he sounded. It used to make me smile and laugh at how infectious his love for this music was…so what to choose.
I finally chose three songs and each for a very different reason.
The first song I chose was to be the main music in the middle of the service. It was obvious for me. After we had been together a while Andy told me he needed to tell me something but the best way was in a song and I had to really listen to it. He had told me he loved me at this point but he said this was more… The song he asked me to listen to was Metallica and nothing else matters. The words are very profound and being a tough northerner he said he didn’t always know how to say something , I disagree, he wasn’t at all tough and was loving kind and very expressive but it meant so much to me that he had found a song that he felt he wanted to call our song. And so on the day we married he chose it to be what I walked down the aisle to and what we walked out together to…It has deep meaning.
My next choice was to be something to enter to… this I worried over but in the end I chose Oasis half the world away. Andy loved Oasis and that they were from his beloved home of Manchester. He loved the Royale family tv programme too and we had a special memory linked to it . The first Christmas I had with Andy we had his children staying with us, they were amazed I had never seen the show and so put on the Christmas special. No one warned me, no one told me that Nanna would die, and worst I had no idea that they would sing scarlet ribbons for her hair, a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a little girl. He had died a year earlier and it just broke my heart. There I was trying to make a good impression whilst this terrible sad story unfolded in a comedy and I sobbed my heart out.
But the last song was not to be told to anyone until it played. I wanted any one who truly knew Andy to leave knowing this was all for him, I chose this song because at every work Christmas party Andy and his friend Simon would sit at the table getting more and more tipsy whilst the disco was on until the end of the night, when suddenly the DJ would be requested to play A whole lotta Rosie by ACDC and Andy would grab Simon and they would head bang their way to oblivion , My very sensible IT manager husband shouting ANGUS at the top of his voice between riffs.
I felt that at his funeral when we had to leave, if I had that played , If there was any chance at all he was coming back he would take the chance and jump up screaming ANGUS!
He did not and nor did anyone else…there was silence and that’s probably when it hit me …he really had gone.